Monday, August 26, 2013

My promise for the future.

Time travel.  It IS possible!

I'm a closet Trekker - not full blown I Got A Pair Of Spock Ears In My Dresser craziness (although Hubs would probably steal them to fulfill his LOTR obsession...sigh, definitely more on that later.) - meaning that I have watched every episode of TNG, DS9, and Voyager and ALL of the newer movies involving Picard (yum, Patrick!).  During my stint in Physics/Astronomy during college (I'm kind of smartish), I used to daydream about how to bring the awesome tech from Star Trek to reality.  Like force fields, transporters, cloaking technology, warp drive, etc. (Michio Kaku is one of the raddest Theoretical Physicists out there and is doing this exact thing on the SciFi channel...lucky bastard.  Although, when you build your own particle accelerator in high school, I suppose getting your own tv show is part and parcel of awesomeness).  The best episodes were the ones about time travel, though.  And those make ya think...especially when you get to the realm of paradox.  Of course it's total nonsense - time travel in the linear sense IS impossible, the second you went back in time you'd change the future and you'd actually be living an ALTERNATE timeline, not at all what Gene Roddenberry scripted (also not nearly as fun for a 1 hour episode).  And going forward in time?  Abso-fuckin'-impossible!  Our actions change the future in every Planck second.  Google that shit (http://bit.ly/13nuv7Z) and learn something awesome.

Time travel is complete and utter nonsense. 

You be saying, "Bitch be all types of Cray-Cray!"  ...well, yes, but not in this instance.

I look at my children and I see the future.  It's like a fucking crystal ball.  I see hope, fear, love, happiness, dreams, aspirations, and yes, YES, YES, I see hilarity!!!  My hope is for my children to be happy.  Blah, blah blah.  Of fuckin' course it is.  Can you imagine the mom that wishes for her children to be sad, angry little shits out to fuck up other people's lives as much as possible in the few years of their wretched existence before they die an awful death remembered by no one?!  The shitty thing is that there probably ARE moms like that out there...they take Angry Bitch to a whole new level.  But as I am the NORMAL level of Angry Bitch, I do NOT wish that craziness for my kids.  But yes, wishing for my children to be happy is rather blas√©.  In totality, I wish for my spawn to savor life, relish nonsense, devour silliness, and squeeze as much ridiculousness out of life as possible!  Yes, I want them to go to college, tech school, travel, give charitably, be polite, be generous.  But those are a foundation for what I REALLY want to be my legacy to the world - HILARITY! 

Laughter really is the best medicine.  And ladies, it's hot as hell, am I right?!  My boys are pretty cute little monsters, but as they grow up, who knows where they'll land on the scale of hotness to their peer potential partners.  The best thing I can do for them (in regards to their love life, anyways) is to give them a creative silliness that will make them irresistible to the Right Sort Of Life Partner (ok, I'm trying to be PC - it's weird, I've never done it before, but I'm going to stop now and just say Girl, Lady, Woman, Women, whatever.  My boys can be as gay as Tom who put his Dick in Harry, but for speed and clarity, I'll just refer to their future loves as female, sorry if that puts your panties in a knot...hahaha, there I go being PC again, I really am not sorry.), the kind of girl that appreciates laughing over just being arm candy on the quarterback's...um...arm (that was awkward).

You'll get use to me writing like this, like I have to plan my life fifty years in advance.  I'm a planner, what can I say?  I don't dust, so I can't really be called OCD fer reals, but I feel like having no fuckin' idea where the hell you are or where the fuck you're going is just a huge recipe for disaster.  How do you plan for tomorrow if you don't start today?  Shit, that's the only reason we teach our babies to walk and talk so they can earn money and leave our house and bring over our grandchildren someday.  We plan ahead for preschool (gotta potty train!), we plan ahead for summer camp (does he have enough underwear, figuring in all the wedgies?), we plan ahead for one fuckin' day at the park (do I have enough diapers/wipes/food/snacks/extra snacks/change of clothes/wet sack/travel potty/bottles/toys/sanitizer/titty tent/vagina visor/bib/hat/sunscreen/leg warmers/chewy toys/cat food/tv/rocking chair/crib/ukulele/etc), so why not plan ahead for some hilarity? 

Pencil it in to your Decade Planner, dudes.  Our world is all set for angry wanktards with no sense of humor, anti-social psychopaths that should be institutionalized but there's no funds for that kind of fuckin' humanity, meatheads with more muscle than brains, creepers in long trench coats that immediately make you wonder if there's a rifle under it, and that sort of ilk.  I seriously think that some hilarity might very well save this civilization of ours.  Humans really need to learn to lighten the fuck up.  When did everything become so SERIOUS and need to be so politically correct?  Jaysus, you can't say shit without worrying how someone else will take it.  Why even speak?  Humanity trudges willingly towards a dark, scary future if we don't start teaching our children to laugh, sometimes at themselves.  And KEEP on teaching them until they start teaching THEIR children. 

So do I know if I'm raising engineers or physicists?  If B will end up being President...of the Washington chapter of HPFC (Harry Potter Fan Club) or if Pork Chop will end up being the founding leader of GFUADD (Gay Furries United Against Drunk Driving)?  I don't know and I don't give a crap.  If they're happy, healthy, and give of themselves to the betterment of society (Harry Potter and the Furries notwithstanding) then I feel like I will die satisfied that my children aren't completely fucked and may be the downfall of human civilization.  Although my eldest is only three...so there's plenty of time to fuck them up by accidental-like.  So yeah, that's my promise to the future.  My kids are gonna eat, drink, and be merry.  And in them, I will live forever.  So don't fuck with me, Imma be round for a loooooong time. :)

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